I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
