chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
