are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
