I think my fart just growled at me.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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