So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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