My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
