I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
so let's talk penis.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize