I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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