spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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