"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
