Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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