Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
