people are starting to question the shark bite story
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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