I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
