You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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