i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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