All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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