Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
