Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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