What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
