Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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