Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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