i just wanna soil my oats bro
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
