Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
