I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
