I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
