I got chris browned last night
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
