meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize