Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Buhtt sex?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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