since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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