while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
