Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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