Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
