yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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