A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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