I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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