how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
