I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
This toilet bowl is my home.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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