i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
