I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
