Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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