I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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