I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize