I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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