Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
