I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
