he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize