Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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