I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
