Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
