4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
