before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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