Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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