Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Text me some of your sweat
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
