do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
