You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
We have started to decorate penises.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize