Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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