the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
