I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
