my mouth tastes like poor choices
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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